My Life...

I hope someday when you're an older, wiser, person, you'll be able to look back and realize how much you hurt me. The empty promises, the deceit, the false hopes that led to a crushed heart and broken spirit. Not only did I lose someone I trusted and cared for, but somewhere along the way I lost my own dignity and belief in my worth and value as an individual. I didn't know it was possible for one person to make me cry so much.

The thing that hurts me the most is that you're able to continue living your life as if none of this ever happened... your friends will see you, and think "what a funny, charming, nice guy..." and no one will ever know how much you hurt and devastated me. As for me, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings, and it's an enormous effort to dress myself and go to college. If I’m lucky enough to pull myself together for a few hours, I fall apart in tears and exhaustion the moment I’m alone. I try to escape it whenever I can, but the nightmares that haunt me don't make for a very pleasant sanctuary. But I’m working on it. I will survive, I will get past this, and I will become a stronger person.

When you do find someone special, I hope you treat her the way she deserves - buy her flowers, make her cards, shower her with love and affection. Hold her, kiss her, and make sure she knows that you can't get enough of her. I’ll always be a little jealous because I will be remembered as the one who never got any of those things, but settled for the scraps of attention and affection that you tossed out. Who pathetically begged for more when you weren't ready or willing to give anything but the leftovers of your time, your energy, your heart? I've also had to accept the fact that all that I felt was one sided. I loved you and I have no regrets about that and when it feels like it is one sided, that hurts tremendously.

Maybe you wonder how I can be so devastated by a relationship that never existed, but believe me - our non-relationship has caused me more pain and heartache than any real relationship I have ever had. I compromised who I am for some fleeting pleasure, and I’m left with the wreckage and ruin of a person I don't even recognize anymore. How is it possible for me to cry so much? Because I feel absolutely foolish, and because I’ll always feel like I lost a part of myself with you, and that's what makes it so hard to let go.

I’ll miss how you always humored my lame jokes and obsessions. How it feels to lie on your chest and hear your heartbeat. To sleep every night in your arms. How patient you were at night and to be awake till I sleep.

You brought back the light into my life when all I could see was darkness, you brought back the smile to my face when all I could do was frown, but most important, you brought back the love and trust that I had lost for people and you brought it back twice as much for me to give to you than I had previously given before. We shared plenty of moments where we opened up to each other and shared our secrets, our feelings of happiness, sadness, sometimes anger and intimacy. And, we promised each other that no matter what, we would be together because fate had brought us to do so.

I won't miss all the times you changed your mind or canceled plans at the last minute. How you were often thoughtless of how your actions affected others. How easy it was for you to say something sweet and comforting, only to revoke it the next day. As much as I’m hurting right now, I don't hate you. I do hope that you'll learn from this and grow into a man of character and integrity. I believe in you because I’ve seen you at your best and worst, and I know that you will accomplish anything you put your mind to.I did everything for you believe in you, I sacrificed my life for you.

All I wanted from the start was to be with you. God knows how much you meant to me, not only as a friend, but with deeper, greater feelings as well. I also feel the pain of letting go what could have been the best thing in my life. I will miss you forever.